Sunday, January 4, 2009

How To Use a Squat Toilet

(Probably the cleanest squat toilet ever - found in Essaouira, Morocco)

1) Decide how much you have to piss/poop and if it can wait til you get to "home" base or not. MUST you go now?
1b) Decide if you just want to do it for the "cultural" experience.
If yes to both, read on.

2) Is it a public squat toilet or one inside a restaurant? Public ones are worse. How much do you want to do this? Consider carefully.

3) Do you have a strong stomach? Can you take an over-powering scent of excrement without losing your lunch? Or do you mind losing your lunch? Yes? Walk on in! But first...

4)Hike your pants/skirt up as high as possible. Are you wearing fairly waterproof closed-toed shoes? If not, good luck.

5) Don't look in the hole!

6) Do you have toilet paper? Are they selling toilet paper? Decide if you want toilet paper and act accordingly.

7) Pick up a bucket at the door and bring it in with you (or check if there is a bucket in the stall already).

8) Lock the door behind you, if possible. Maybe say a little prayer.

9) Secure bags/jackets on hook provided or hang on to them for dear life. Dropping them is inconceivable.

10) Hike clothing, pull down necessary parts. If you are going to squat, ensure clothing is far enough from your body that you will not piss on yourself in the process or get any splashback on yourself.

11) Remember: Don't look in the hole!

12) Try not to gag, continue praying as necessary.

13) Position yourself on the foot rests, without looking into the hole. Really. Just don't.

14) Do your thing, keeping your nose in the air to stay away from the stink as much as possible.

15) Wipe, but throw toilet paper in garbage provided. If there isn't one, throw it in and run away as quickly as possible after in case someone wants to yell at you for clogging the toilet.

16) Organize clothing. Save time by turning tap on and filling bucket whilst.

17) Use the water to rinse toilet area and "flush" things down. Again, try not to look into the hole!

18) Rinse your hands under the tap - sometimes there is even soap in the stall!
18b) Often, the sink and soap are outside. Wash hands there.

19) Pay attendant and be happy you don't have that job.

20) Feel satisfied having survived a "cultural experience".

21) Try to get the image of the hole out of your brain - you looked, didn't you?