How Lonely Is Too Lonely?

A big concern and topic of conversation when it comes to solo travel is loneliness. There are countless blog posts about how to combat loneliness, how to make friends, how to appear less lonely (because it's not only off-putting, but can make you more vulnerable) or how to deal with loneliness when it strikes. A lot of people are hesistant to even attempt a solo trip because they're so terrified of being lonely!

Think about it, one of the biggest publishers of travel guides is called Lonely Planet! There's no denying travel can get lonely.

Turns out this fear might not be so unwarranted. According to this recent study, we're hardwired to not want to be isolated because loneliness can kill us over time.

Knowing that now, does it make you more reluctant to travel on your own?

For me, it was never really a concern, so I wonder if I'm missing something biologically. Maybe solo travelers have a defect? Either that or there are degrees of loneliness and isolation, and what can be too isolating and lonely for one person might feel like a loud party to another. What do you think?

Sometimes You Have to Pay to Be Alone

Ever since the birth of my son, I've been waiting for the day I could have a weekend to sleep alone, undisturbed. It was my birthday this weekend, so I took my first opportunity in two years to be ALL ALONE.

I got a deal for Le St.Sulpice hotel from SniqueAway. Just a note, this is my second time using SniqueAway and I'm really impressed with them so far. Booking has been easy and the hotels have been top notch!

In this case, the name is really apt, as I really felt like I was sneaking away. I told my childless friend about what I was doing and he laughed, "oh yeah, I forgot, when you have kids you have to pay to be alone!" So don't take those moments of quiet for granted, people! Just because you see someone traveling alone, it doesn't mean they're lonely.

                                     Lots of space for me to stretch out, ALONE!

I got a deluxe suite - it had a closed bedroom and a kitchenette. I took a quiet and relaxing bath (forgot to take a picture of it!), read some magazines and did my nails. I was on the second floor and it being a Saturday night in Montreal meant there was quite a bit of street noise coming in, but that didn't bother me. 

I found free parking on the street (otherwise valet would have been $28/night and they warn of a 30 minute wait to retrieve your vehicle, ouch!). It's in a great location in the Vieux-Port though - north of de la Commune (the main street that runs along the St. Lawrence in the Old Port) and just south of the Notre-Dame Basilica. 

                                          My big empty, but not lonely bed.

My bedroom was totally closed off and away from any windows, so there was hardly any noise and it was pitch black, just the way I like to sleep. I'll admit, I still wondered about how my little guy was doing without me, but in the end, it was totally worth it to pay to get away. I'm a more refreshed mommy and I can't wait til he's a bit older and I can get away by myself for at least a week to do more solo traveling. 

Banish the Naysayers: How to Convince People You Can Travel Alone

You've bought the guide book, set aside the money and time and decided on your dream solo vacation, but when you share your dream with others, they tell you you're crazy.

It happens to men also, but women get a lot of flack for trying to run off on their own. A lot of negative comments are a result of ignorance and fear, so here are some tips to help work around that and get people supporting your dreams, not bashing them!

-"It's not you, it's me..."
A lot of the time, you'll get a negative reaction because the person giving it is quite simply jealous. They may have also dreamed of travelling alone, but never worked up the courage. They don't want you to have the fun they never got to, so they'll try to convince you not to go. You can tell these people apart from the others by the way they make excuses for themselves, "Oh well, *I* was going to travel to Indonesia alone after university, BUT I got this job and...."
You can simply ignore these people. There's no reason to waste time convincing them.

-Just the facts, ma'am
Every Tom, Dick and Harry has "heard from a friend of a friend" that someone went to the same place you're planning to go and died/got injured/kidnapped or what have you. Fact is, you can die crossing the street in your home town, so that shouldn't stop you from travelling! Nevertheless, brush up on your current affairs, travel advisories and history of the place before talking to people about it. If there has been any political unrest in the past few years, people will remember and remind you of it. It's important to know exactly what is happening when you plan to go, as well as the likelihood of future issues, so that you can counter these comments calmly and effectively.

-Where am I again?
One comment I heard from people when I spoke about solo travel was, "you might get lost." Yes, I might. Actually, knowing myself, a person who can get lost in a sweater on a sunny day, it's highly likely I'll get lost at least once per any given trip. Getting lost, however, is really not the end of the world! In fact, it can be tons of fun in a foreign city and lead to interesting sites and stops you didn't expect to see. Providing you're not lost in Antarctica or a desert, I don't see getting lost as being particularly life-threatening. Maps can be bought, a lot of cell phones have a built-in GPS and locals can usually give directions.

-But what if...?
Oh, the "what if?" people! They can go on forever and usually come up with completely ridiculous hypothetical situations that are so statistically outrageous, you just need to laugh. "But what if a stranger who has the Ebola virus jumps in front of you and starts bleeding all over you, while trying to poke you with a knife and steal your camera?" Ummmmm? That just sounds like a bad day.

-But you might get hurt
Along with the crazy hypothetical situations and concern for your navigational abilities are those who worry about the more mundane and real issues: you might get sick or hurt. Yes, you might get sick or hurt. You can also hurt yourself just walking from your kitchen to your bathroom or get sick on your way to work. That doesn't mean you shouldn't leave your house! Unfortunately, these things can happen anywhere, whether you're with someone or not. All you can do is tell people you are as prepared as you can possibly be - know local hospital or emergency numbers, have medical insurance coverage, carry a first aid kit - do all the obvious and reasonable things you can do within your control, but don't let the fear of the unknown stop you.

-Women as property
One comment my husband got when he mentioned to people I was taking off for a trip on my own was, "you let your wife go alone?!"
Tied into that comment was, "is everything ok in your relationship?"

Well, in my case, I didn't come with a property deed. It was never an issue of anyone "letting" me go. Though married, I'm still my own person, and I think most people in healthy relationships manage to keep a little of themselves to themselves. You need to work within the confines of your own relationship rules and do what makes you both happy. Sometimes some time alone is good for a relationship. If you trust each other, communicate and compromise, I don't see why one of you can't go off alone for a trip. Besides, they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder"! And if I don't mind saying, two of my pregnancies occurred right after getting back from a solo trip, so there's something to be said for a little time apart to freshen up a relationship!

Also, wanting or needing some time alone should not be seen as a threat to a relationship. In some cases, it can indicate problems, but I think it shouldn't be seen immediately as an issue. You have to love yourself and take care of yourself first if you want to be loved, so some time alone to nurture yourself should not be taken personally by your partner or cause fear in your partner if you have a good relationship.

Please don't let anyone hold you back from your dreams. Anyone who tries to is probably not the best match for you.


-People who love you will worry no matter what
Remember that the people who love you most will worry regardless of your location. I advocate coming up with a plan before you go on how and when you will contact key people during your trip to let them know you are still alive and well.

The key is to be secure in yourself about what you want to accomplish and be prepared to hit some brick walls along the way. Randy Pausch said, "brick walls are only there to make us prove how much we want something." If you really want to travel alone and know you'll get some negativity, do your research and work hard towards your goal. On the other hand, you might also be surprised to learn who your biggest supporters are and you won't know until you take the plunge. Happy solo travels!

Traveling Alone in Morocco

Don't be scared to travel alone in Morocco if you're a female!

No doubt, you will be approached/hassled to buy a tacky souvenir, eat at a certain restaurant or asked for money just about every minute while walking through a busy market, but walk quickly and with confidence and you can still get by.

Moroccans are very welcoming people and in my experience, take a firm "no!" for an answer when you don't want to be bothered. I spent a week traveling solo from Agadir, to Marrakesh, to Essaouira and the Ourika Valley and never feared for my safety.

Yes, it is very easy to get lost in those windy roads of the markets and the crowds and chaos can be bewildering, but you can find sanctuary and beauty to escape to easily.

Some men will ask to talk to you and ask you out for a coffee. If you are not interested, just say "no" and keep walking. I also found they left me alone quicker if I said I was married (which I am) and showed my wedding ring. You also have the option of covering your hair with a hijab. I found I was bothered less when I did that, however during one afternoon prayer, someone tried to pull me into a mosque (and I regret not going in to see).

If you are already shopping at a stall and the owner invites you to sit and have mint tea, it's hard to resist and can be fun. In my experience, they were happy to show me pictures of their family and country, as well as ask me about my home life. Though I'll admit, I had so much mint tea while I was there, I started to get a heartburn just thinking about another glass!

Similarily, if you are invited to their home for a meal, I think you can feel safe doing so. Even when they do not have a lot to offer, they are very giving and love to ask questions about your life and travels. I always carry small souvenirs and postcards from my city to give to people as thank you gifts. Don't be shy to give a little bit of money to pay for your meal, or there may be an item you have and take for granted that they may want or need. For example, I gave a shopkeeper's wife who made me lunch my sunglasses. She liked them and almost cried with joy when I gave them to her.

I don't know too many other countries where you can get such insight into the daily life of the people in such an intimate way. They are genuinely curious to learn more about you, especially fellow women.

On the more negative side, I did have my arm grabbed once by an over-zealous shopkeeper trying to get me to look in his store. I turned around and loudly told him to let me go. When he did not, I raised my fist, threatening to punch him and he ran away. Do not be scared to cause a scene if you need to. He was the most annoying heckler I got, so he is not representative of the people. That was also in Marrakesh, which is a bit more busy and wild than the smaller cities, like Essaouira.

It helps and gives you better service and respect if you can speak French - and I'm sure you'll get even better deals if you can speak Arabic. Even without those skills, I have no qualms advising ladies to go ahead and enjoy the country alone. Dress like the locals and keep an open mind. Take the time to talk to and get to know the locals. I did not sense any danger taking buses, taxis or traveling at night alone. A visit to Morocco is well worth it!

The Importance of Telling People Where You Are

There's no doubt that traveling alone has the asset that you can REALLY get away from it all. You can leave your cell phone at home and there's no way for anyone to know what time you've left your hotel room (or if you even checked in), where you went or where you're going. That in itself can be a freeing experience, depending on what goes on in your personal life at home. BUT BUT But, there should be some precautions you should take. I think at least one trust-worthy person back home should have an idea of your itinerary and even possibly a way to contact you in an emergency.

Smart Tip #1:

If you don't do this already (and you really should be!), take photocopies of your passport before you leave. Leave one copy at home with someone you trust. Take one with you in your luggage. Take an extra with you for when you're walking around town in the foreign country. This is because in some places, authorities have the right to stop people on the street and ask for identification. Understandably, you may not want to carry your passport with you at all times (leave it locked at the hotel). You can provide the photocopy and if they have further questions, they can follow you back to your hotel.

Or, if you lose your real passport, a photocopy *may* help you get out of the country or help you at your country's consulate. Having a copy at home means that a friend can possibly fax you a copy (if you lose everything) and also provide identification to authorities in the event of a disaster and you go missing. Sounds horrible? I know, but plan for the worse, I say.

Smart Tip #2:

Leave a copy of your itinerary with a trusted friend. These usually have confirmation numbers and they may be required to board a train or plane. In the event you lose your papers, you don't want to have to guess what time your plane leaves! A quick phone call will get you the info you need. Also keep copies of departure times and confirmation numbers in your email.

Smart Tip #3:

Agree to email or call your trusted friend at agreed times or dates, just to let people know you're alive. It's nice to go where the wind takes you and to email from a different location everyday saying, "oh, I'm in Egypt now!" but people do worry and it's nice to make sure they don't worry too much. It's for you and your friends and family to work out what works best for everyone's comfort and feelings of freedom.

While I was traveling, I discovered two things:

1) I actually wanted to communicate with the people who worry about me most, more than I valued the idea of freedom/independence. My mother, who is usually over-bearing, respected my desire to be left alone and DID NOT call me this time. It did the opposite and worried me. At the same time, I realized I like hearing from her and it was nice to chat on my cell phone with her while wandering around alone.

2) I had a few vulnerable moments (lost in the dark, feeling ill) where I realized how alone I was and if I fell and died on the street at that moment, NO ONE would know where I was or even WHO I was. It would be days before I would be found or reported missing...who knows? It was at those moments that I realized how important it was for people back home to know I was alright and where I was. Obviously, you can't tell them every minute, but at the very least, the name and address of where you plan to sleep at night and the next plane/train/bus you plan to take.

For my own comfort, I bought a cell phone at my destination so that I could call people and they could call me. I also made a point to email daily. Do what works for you and do it responsibly.

5 Benefits of Traveling Alone

Not that you needed any reasons to go it alone, but here are some reminders or insights that might give you the push you need!

1) FREEDOM!!
Think of the open road, the wind in your hair. You get such a wonderful sense of freedom when you travel alone.
You can't hear the phone ring or the kids crying. Hopefully, work can't track you down and bother you. If you take a vacation alone, there should be no ties, chains or tethers to stop you. Enjoy the freedom.

2) Confidence Boost!
Traveling alone really helps to boost your confidence and I think women need this a lot more than men do. Often we (as well as society) tell ourselves we're too small or not strong enough, not smart enough or any number of negative things.
When you have to rely on yourself, you can see just how capable and resourceful you are. Even if you're the type of person who is always prepared, fearless and in control, travel will always push you that little bit more to remind you how amazing you really are.
If you're a little scared before leaving and think you might not be able to handle it, sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is a challenge, but go slowly and the confidence will build. Remember that life doesn't put anything in front of you that you're unable to handle. Keep your thoughts in the present moment and trust that you can handle anything that comes your way.

The last time I went off by myself, I was reminded of a quote by Goethe - "the sooner you trust yourself, the sooner you know how to live." I felt I needed to remember that always, so I got it tattooed to my wrist. Remembering to trust myself got me through the times I was scared and in doubt. I came back with more confidence than ever.

3) Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
We're all creatures of habit and travel takes us through all sorts of new and different climates, cultures, timezones, food and schedules - we have no choice but to take a few chances here and there and try something new. The benefit of getting out of your comfort zone is that you, as above, gain more confidence and new skills. It helps you understand what you really like and what you hate. From there you can learn what you want and don't want, in general.
You have to give up control and old habits and learn a new way sometimes. In the end, it will make you more flexible and adaptable in life. Great skills to put on a curriculum vitae! Don't ever underestimate the value of travel for your career and education.

4) Meet More People
A great benefit to travel is meeting new people, especially locals. Often they have tips for the best restaurants and places to see. They can also help you avoid scams. (Just be careful who you become friends with.)
As a loner, it's easier to meet other lone travelers or couples. Often people take pity on us (they don't have to!) and think we're lonely, so they'll invite us solo chickies to join them. (There are also times when you will truly be lonely and be more than happy to join others!)
If you take a tour as a singleton, you may be matched up with other singles for seating arrangements and such. No matter which way you meet people, I simply find it's easier to do it when you're not already with a group of friends (people tend to get cliquish and exclusionary) because it's less intimidating for the other person you're meeting.

Also, if you think you're the shy type at home, you might be surprised how you open up when you travel. I'm not the social butterfly type at home, but when I travel I become Ms. Friendly and talk to everyone. I just find it fun to get all sorts of info and perspectives on where I'm
going.

The other benefit of meeting travel friends is that you can dump/avoid them the minute you want to be alone again. I know that sounds mean, but it's true. You don't owe them anything and you don't have to keep in contact or ever see them again if you don't want to.
On the upside, you might meet someone great and have a free place to stay the next time you visit ;)

5) No Compromising!
This one is probably the best - you don't have to compromise with anyone. You have an excuse to be selfish and do only what YOU want to do.
You can go at your own pace or change plans on a whim. Want to sleep in your hotel room all day? No one will make you feel guilty for "wasting" the day or not enjoying the sites.
You don't have to fight with anyone to choose a restaurant; you can eat when, where and what you want.
You don't have to go see sights you get care to see or pay entrance fees for things you're not really interested in.
If you want to buy a strange and overpriced souvenir, no one can talk you out of it.
You don't have any travel partners you have to worry about slowing you down or getting sick or injured.
If you want to sing loudly in your car or walk around naked in your hotel room, you can.

Traveling alone is a time of complete indulgence, hedonism and selfishness, but for balance in our lives, we need that every once and a while :)

So go take on the world alone! Relax, unwind, unplug and have fun!